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1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.
6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
10. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes
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A Preacher was explaining to his flock that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more money, so he could make ends meet.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex,"
There is total silence.
The Preacher,blushing, asks her:"Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side
while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said "Screw the Preacher."
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The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,
Took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
Rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had
Her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted!
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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She
informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old..
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.
She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they
started touching, teasing, holding one another... As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
Yes, it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"
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A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says,"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing"
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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause!
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A woman while walking one day saw a "mad man" writing something and out of curiosity asked what he was writing.
He replied, "wahn letta".
She even more curious now asked, "A letter to who?".
The man a bit annoyed replied, "nu mus to mi self?!".
The woman now completely amused asked "what does it say?".
The man now completely frustrated replied,
"But yuh a bigger ediot eno, how mi fi kno an mi nuh get the letta yet?"
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If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were.
When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of
today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we
didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would
take like a week to get there! Stamps were 35 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to best us! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our
car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished,and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
We didn't have fancy dtuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called,they got a busy signal, that's it!
There weren't cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends".
OH NO!!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your
screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your
imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! (if you are over 40-remember PONG! and that lame little paddle)
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! When it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your chair walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming
to?!?!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!
Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
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A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds,
'What does love mean?'
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined
See what you think:
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love..'
Rebecca- age 8
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6
'Love i s when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
Mark - age 6
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
And the final one
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
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LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR..
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY...
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT....
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED..
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN...
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED...
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT...
IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET
· A JOB,
· A DRIVERS LICENSE,
· SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
· WELFARE,
· FOOD STAMPS,
· CREDIT CARDS,
· SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
· FREE EDUCATION,
· FREE HEALTH CARE,
· A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
· BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
· THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT
AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION…
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Gangsta P wrote:1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.
6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
10. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes some of us have outside relationship. the woman gets pregnant and we paid five hundred u.s. for the d.n.a and left the receipt in our dirty pants pocket.
some of us wife empty all pockets before putting the clothes in the machine.
some of us may be single again.
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police caught two young men smoking crack and put them before the court.
on the day of court the judge ask them why. they replied that they are following friends and that it's a way of relieving stress.
they then asked the judge for leniency since it was there first brush with the law.
the judge decided to give them a non-custodial sentence. they were placed on two years probation and some community service.
in the meantime, they should create a project of their choice' that is beneficial to their community and then report back to the judge two months after.
on their return to court the judge said lets hear about your project.
defendant #1: your honour i gave my project name the circle of life.
this is how it works.
i drew two circles one very small and the other very large
i went around my community and showed all the young people both circles.
i informed them that the big circle is their brain before they start using drugs and, the small one is their brain after using drugs over a period of time.
on the first day i got fifty persons to stop using drugs. the judge was impressed.
defendant #2: your honour my project is called the circle of death.
i drew two circles one very small and the other very large. i went around my community and showed them to the young men.
i told them that the small hole is their ass before prison and the large one is their ass the first week in prison.
because of that your honour crime is non-existent in my area.
they were freed.
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Cut that was a gud one sweetie thanx for yur input guys this is a forum to just add things that are funny free for all thanx bless
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lol sincerely that was gud ones girl...
lol denzill oh really lol
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a rastaman get a chance to go a foreign. suh him sell everyting: house, car, animals an land. is a bredda who nuh truss bank suh him bury all the money under a mango tree. him den teck the picture of the tree so him can remember where, when him return.
when him reach foreign an a develope the picture him see a a little boy in the tree on the picture a kill himself wid laugh.
johnny always smell bad. to the extent where nobody wants to work with him. nobody wants to confront him with the situation but it was very annoying, so a co-wroker decided he is going to do something about it. on his arrival at work one morning. sam asked him, " hey johnny what kind of cologne you used?"
" the three musketeers ", johnyy replied.
"oh", replied sam, "one of them died underneath your arm".
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